velaivi
Hi, I'm Klaudia, a closeted autistic trans gal with a passion for art and animation, I like to draw (fuck art block), listen to music and play a variety of games (mostly Fortnite)
⚠️ TW: This message delves into some personal stuff and issues.
August 20th 2016, a decade ago,
is when I first started this whole journey. And I don’t think the person back then who started it would know just how much it would make a very deep impact on their life. Meeting a bunch of new friends, doing a bunch of new things, or even discovering things about myself. All of that may have not happened if not for my dream.This whole journey actually began with my dream of YouTube content creation, but back then I was very young and my parents wouldn’t allow me to till I was an adult. I once tried making a video, but somehow it got automatically shared on my personal Facebook back then and they saw. That is what led me to alternative places where I could try sharing them. But it didn’t turn into something like today until I tried Google+ (yes, I did actually use it and it did have a huge impact on me). With it’s community features, I managed to form a few friends there, which I still miss to this day and I ended up using my profile on Google+ more like how it was actually intended, for making posts. I’d end up posting about anything I felt like, things I like, things I found interesting, things I made. It was a very tight and nice space and it ended up taking shape of my roots. While I haven’t really done videos as I originally went into this before, I definitely do not regret that decision. It’s where I also got into creative things, like graphic design and drawing Minecraft skins, and had a community around doing the same. To say that the announcement of the shut down wasn’t upsetting would be a very big lie. It basically erased a bunch of my history, a bunch of connections I made there, and I can’t really do anything about it.I unfortunately had to move tho since I couldn’t do anything about the shut down, which led to me switching over to Twitter. At first, it was much more lonelier, having not been able to stay in touch with most of my friends from before, and barely anyone new was around to see me tweet. That didn’t really bother me much tho, I did post mostly cause I found it fun and thought maybe it could make someone’s day out there. And low and behold, then at the near end of 2020, I started to gain some following as with me seeing a bunch of art from a bunch of talented people, it sparked a passion that made me want to do the same. I started off with pixel art, as that was much more doable with my history of making Minecraft skins, and it led to some people actually seeing me. From there, I did manage to become friends with new people and things went on. I made art and tweets, interacted with friends, basically had a fun time.Sometime during 2020, I remember seeing one tweet where a person I was following has come out as trans. Back then, I didn’t even know what it was, but as I read through that tweet, it made one thing very clear to me. It basically was explaining the exact way I was feeling for a very long time. It made me really happy that something like that existed and was actually possible, however was later on very upset when I learned how a very big chunk of the world doesn’t take kindly towards trans people. That led to the fact that while I did end up skipping the egg phase, I did lock myself deeply inside a closet, something that I still struggle to break out of even today. Knowing some of my friends on Twitter tho, I felt like that coming out there might be a safe thing to do. So, in February 2021, I did exactly that. I came out as a trans woman for the first time, and the me back then definitely didn’t expect the flood of support towards my coming out back then. Seeing people actually view me as the woman I am, it genuinely felt really happy and fully solidified it to me. Exactly a week later, it got me enough courage where I even came out to my mom. While things haven’t really changed in my real life back then, and still haven’t much now unfortunately, it was nice knowing that I had a safe space to be fully myself on the world wide web.From there, things have kind of, frozen. I ended up coming out to my sister on accident, was still doing some pixel art, and eventually even tried giving normal digital art a try. But me? I’m not sure if I was getting better. Dysphoria, anxieties, art block and bunch of other stuff was starting to hold down on me and I felt stuck. Felt powerless to do anything to try getting better. Despite that, I knew I had a safe space to lean on when I needed some escape from my growing issues. I enjoyed interacting with my friends, playing games together, having fun. Things have been moving along in time though, while I felt stuck in time. Friends and others came and went over my whole journey, some had left with respect to each other, some due to some unfortunate situations, and most without any word at all. I had anxieties speaking to people in real life before, but it was tough thinking that whoever I’m having a fun time with will eventually move on. Not to mention all the other stuff that has been taking a toll on my mind and I didn’t really feel ok. I didn’t however want to bother anyone with my issues, not wanting to ruin the mood or risk bringing others down. So I just kinda, was alone for all this.Things wouldn’t get easier when eventually, Twitter has changed owners, which led to some changes that felt really bad and unsafe for me. And with the general people on the platform slowly getting worse and worse (not meaning anyone I was friends with), it kinda was getting a bit much for me. So, once I did feel like it was too much, I decided to move, do the same thing I did when Google+ shut down, having lost some connections in the process. However, not too long before my move, I have made a personal Discord that I had an open invite to on my Twitter. I had invited some friends I knew I enjoy hanging out with, and some others who joined through the public invite, and over time, it basically became my new safe space. Completely grounded with not much drama, bunch of inside jokes and generally having a fun time and hanging out, I felt really happy here. When I quit Twitter, I moved over to Bluesky, as that was so far the best safe alternative, and while I do occasionally post there, it's definitely not as much as before. That honestly doesn't really bother me tho, as I'm very content with just my group of friends that I've formed through my server, as well some other few friend groups on other servers. I did close the invites as I knew that leaving them open could attract some troublemakers (speaking from experience), but I'm still pretty open to letting anyone that ik I'm fine with in.Over the past few weeks and months, I've also have started to grow a want to do something about the issues plaguing my life. I've been going to support groups in my city, been sometimes a bit more open about my issues with my friends, and also am currently working on resolving my art block thanks to the help of a certain friend. Things haven't changed drastically yet, but I feel determined now that in time, I'll eventually get to where I want to be and live the life I always wanted.Which then, leads us to today. August 20th 2026. Exactly a decade since I've began this journey, and to look back on everything that I went through those years, it's clear to say I'm definitely not the same person compared to the one that started it. There is one thing however that didn't change. My dream of bringing smiles on others. It did end up shaping in different ways over the years, but still stays the exact same in it's core. I want to do something that can bring a sense of hope, happiness, to those who really need it. And in the ways I feel passionate about, creatively. I plan on getting back into art hopefully soon, I can already tell that I'm in the middle of fully redesigning my sona, and then just draw stuff, just like I used to. That's not however where I'm stopping. Over the years, as a coping mechanism to not think about my troubles, I did ended up delving my imagination into fiction. Making whole worlds, characters and stories, that I hope I get to share with everyone one day. My most passionate way of doing that is animation, but that is still very far away from where I am rn, and I can't guarantee yet if I'll even do it in that form, but would be very happy if I was able to. What I'm hinting towards is that this whole journey is going full circle. My dream of YouTube content creation that started this whole journey still persists to this day, and I would love one day to maybe actually start doing that. I'm definitely not starting off this instant right now as I don't feel ready for that yet, but do know that eventually I'll get to that.When I look back on the years tho, there is one more element that I'm eternally grateful for. Everyone that I met over this journey. Whether we were close friends or just occasionally hanged out or helped each other, that always had a deep impact on me. Those moments paved the path on this journey, whether significant or not, and looking back, it feels incredible how so many people can affect my whole life. So with that, I'd like to give a big thank you. Thank you to everyone who has walked this path with me. Whether we used to be friends, still are friends now, or even will be friends in the future, know that I'm forever grateful that you were and are there by my side. My whole journey has crossed over to double digits of years, but that definitely doesn't mark the end of it. I'll still be here, walking this path forward, and I hope that I get to keep walking it with y'all. So again, thank you so much for this past decade. And I hope to see you over the next few decades, where we all get to wonder to beyond, over new horizons with endless possibilities. Together.-Klaudia / velaivi
